I finally did it and I’m so proud

There was a situation I was in recently where I was constantly surrounded by negativity in the form of constant complaining and in fear of constant anger outbursts. A lot of the time these anger outbursts were directed my way and because of my past traumas and PTSD, I’d react in certain ways when people got angry. They call it the fawn response, where I would be as quiet as possible, try to get out of the way, cower, and make myself as invisible as possible. This has been my default trauma response for nearly my whole life. The times I should have stood up for myself I would blank out, my brain would snow out (like the snow screen with the white noise on the old TVs) and I would freeze. I couldn’t stand up for myself because my body wouldn’t allow me to even think about what I should do to defend itself. I couldn’t think. I could only be, dissociate, and wait for the danger to pass.

Over the past few years, I’ve been gaining a lot of confidence in myself, probably for the first time ever. I don’t remember ever having this emotion in the past and it’s empowering. It has been giving me strength. I’ve become fiercely independent again and I trust and believe in myself. Years of therapy do work. Reading self-help books do work. Walking the walk does work.

I was put in another situation where I felt the injustice and the toxic behavior and it was not only directed at me but my kids. My mama bear couldn’t contain itself anymore. I wasn’t going to let this go on anymore. I rose above the fear and the fawn response and I stood up and fought for what was right. I didn’t get mean back, I started the facts and I demanded a stop to this toxic behavior. It stopped. At least for now. But I did it. I stood up for myself and I protected my children.

If this individual is to stay in my life this behavior has to be gone. I’ve set this boundary and I mean to keep it. The snow didn’t happen in my brain this time. I was thinking clearly and without malice. I did it. I stood, I was strong, and no one can treat me that way again.

I’ve never been so proud of myself.