I finally did it and I’m so proud

There was a situation I was in recently where I was constantly surrounded by negativity in the form of constant complaining and in fear of constant anger outbursts. A lot of the time these anger outbursts were directed my way and because of my past traumas and PTSD, I’d react in certain ways when people got angry. They call it the fawn response, where I would be as quiet as possible, try to get out of the way, cower, and make myself as invisible as possible. This has been my default trauma response for nearly my whole life. The times I should have stood up for myself I would blank out, my brain would snow out (like the snow screen with the white noise on the old TVs) and I would freeze. I couldn’t stand up for myself because my body wouldn’t allow me to even think about what I should do to defend itself. I couldn’t think. I could only be, dissociate, and wait for the danger to pass.

Over the past few years, I’ve been gaining a lot of confidence in myself, probably for the first time ever. I don’t remember ever having this emotion in the past and it’s empowering. It has been giving me strength. I’ve become fiercely independent again and I trust and believe in myself. Years of therapy do work. Reading self-help books do work. Walking the walk does work.

I was put in another situation where I felt the injustice and the toxic behavior and it was not only directed at me but my kids. My mama bear couldn’t contain itself anymore. I wasn’t going to let this go on anymore. I rose above the fear and the fawn response and I stood up and fought for what was right. I didn’t get mean back, I started the facts and I demanded a stop to this toxic behavior. It stopped. At least for now. But I did it. I stood up for myself and I protected my children.

If this individual is to stay in my life this behavior has to be gone. I’ve set this boundary and I mean to keep it. The snow didn’t happen in my brain this time. I was thinking clearly and without malice. I did it. I stood, I was strong, and no one can treat me that way again.

I’ve never been so proud of myself.

Family camping trip

Last weekend, we went camping in one of our favorite areas west of Loveland. We bought our popup camper just a few days before I discovered I’d be having surgery on my hip. Since it took all summer to recover from hip surgery we had to keep delaying taking the camper out for the first time. I feel like we were waiting until the very last second but I didn’t want to wait until next summer. So we packed up the kids and we were off. I overpacked and brought way too much food, so I’ll know better next time. Still, it was an amazing time, and memories were made. It was so cleansing to connect with nature again and be away from town. I probably smiled more on the trip than I have all summer.

Weight Loss Journey starts today

I’m in a race against time. My hips aren’t expected to last more than 6-8 months because of the progression of my bone disease. I can’t get my hip replacements until I lose 77lbs. So my doctor has put me on a weight loss medication and referred me to a bariatric surgeon. I had to attend a seminar last week as a prerequisite to meeting with the bariatric surgeon and meet with them this Thursday. I’m not nervous at all, I’m actually really looking forward to it. I know it’s going to be a major life change. It’s one I’m willing to do because I have to change not only for me but for my kids too. I have so many people relying on me and I have to be better for them as well as myself.

When I lost 156lbs back in 2012-2013 I remember that I felt GREAT. I felt like I was on top of the world. My thyroid was fixed and showing good numbers, my hormones were back on track and I went off 90% of the medication I was on. It was when I got pregnant that all changed and I started gaining weight again. Having children back to back didn’t help and I would eat horribly due to lack of time. I’ve gotten better over the last few years but I still have lots of changes to make. Life-long changes. I made them before and now I just need to stick to them. I’m not having any more babies so I won’t have that shock to my body again.

The weight loss meds they put me on is liraglutide, a once-a-day injection. It is a glucagon-like peptide-1 (GLP-1) receptor agonist. It works by increasing feelings of being full and decreasing hunger in the brain. This can lead to eating fewer calories and losing weight. I don’t overeat a lot but I do eat more than I should at times and it’s mostly carbs. I don’t have a big sweet tooth but I like my carbs and salt and fats. I had my A1c tested and I am still barely prediabetic (one point into the prediabetic spectrum) so this will also help me regulate my sugars. I just need to make better food choices from here on out. I have read a lot about this medication and I’ve watched numerous video’s on people who are on liraglutide and the most common side effect is nausea and vomiting. I took my first shot this morning and I expected to feel terrible right away. Not only do I feel just fine, but I think the shot gave me energy or the coffee I’m drinking is reacting better to my body. Whatever the case may be, I feel great other than the bone pain. That’s really motivating. I only took half of my dose so it didn’t hit me quite as hard and I may take the full dose tomorrow, we’ll see how the rest of the day goes.

I have a good support system right now and family and friends cheering me on. I have 6-8 months to lose 77lbs before my hips collapse and I’m in a wheelchair. That’s not something I want at all. I want my kids to remember me as being active in their life and I don’t want any more time to go by where I’m slowing down.

Walking steadiness is still declining

It’s frustrating. I’m scheduled to see my third orthopedic doctor next week. The surgery only brought me more pain. The second doctor told me to deal with it so I’m hoping this new guy will help.

I finally got a mechanical keyboard

I’ve been a geek my entire life. Having a mechanical keyboard was a dream of mine. I honestly thought it would never happen. I’ve been wanting one for decades now. It’s finally happened. My husband surprised me with one today as a late birthday present. It’s beautiful and the sound … the sound is soooooo nice. I couldn’t be happier.

I had hip surgery

I had hip surgery. It was one of the most painful experiences I’ve ever been through. The steroids I’ve had to take for my asthma/COPD caused me to have osteonecrosis of the hips. Basically, they killed my bone in the hip and femoral head and my bone died. I had a hip core decompression with a bone graph. They drilled into my hip bone and femoral head and removed the dead bone inside. I can’t walk or put any weight on my right hip for 4-6 weeks, so I have another 3 weeks left before my next doctor’s appointment. I’m not sure if I have to learn to walk again or what is going to happen, or if I have to start out slowly by only putting weight on my leg in small increments. They want to do surgery on my other hip when the right one is healed but I might push that one back for a year if my hip makes it that long. Being able to have this surgery and the long recovery time won’t work during the school year so the summer is the best time to do this. My doctor is trying to push back hip replacement surgery as long as possible because I’m still so young and hip replacements don’t last more than 15 years.

This time has been such a change for me. I don’t do the dependence thing too well and I have a really hard time with not being independent. I’m also not a sit-down type, I’m always up and moving. This sitting has gotten to me mentally for sure. Just another lesson life is trying to throw at me. Learn to be dependant and humble and grateful.

It is what it is

I think I hit a level where everything got too big and I popped. I’m pretty numb to everything and I’ve managed to put on my logical hat and set aside unwelcome emotions. I don’t need anything holding me hostage right now.

Mom had her knee replacement surgery on Tuesday and the actual replacement went fine (whew) but she’s been having a lot of complications with the pain meds from having allergic reactions to throwing up to having her oxygen levels tank. She’s been in the hospital for an extra two days now because of it. Does it make me scared for my upcoming replacement? I don’t know, sure, but I can’t worry about that right now. It is what it is.

I went up to see her yesterday. I could see in her face how much pain she was in. Her cheeks were red with pain. She’s on a pretty heavy-hitting pain med too. She managed to eat a pretty good dinner while I was there, most she had eaten thus far. She needs it to gain her energy back. No telling when they will let her go home, it’s all about her oxygen levels at this point.

Easter this Sunday. Much to do yet for the kids and prepare. Planning on seeing both grandparents on that day so it will be busy.

It’s been an eye-opening time

Not only has there been so much going on in the world, but there is a lot going on here at home too. I’ve had a lot of problems medically the past year and I’ve been going through a lot of testing and procedures. It’s been challenging because you can’t take your kids with you to doctor’s appointments anymore with COVID-19 regulations and I really struggle to find babysitting and available appointments in between dropping and picking up Tristyn from school and karate. The kid’s Nana is getting a knee replacement tomorrow (she’s my babysitter) so she’s going to be out for a month or two.

So I went in for an endoscopy and colonoscopy a month ago and they found I had gastritis, GERD, and a hiatal hernia (a large portion of my stomach is in my chest cavity instead of my abdomen). The only fix for that is surgery.

I had a CT scan done on my abdomen and pelvis to see if there were any other issues outside the stomach that were causing my rib and chest pain and they happened to find something completely unrelated to the issue they were currently looking for. They found that I have a rare bone condition called osteonecrosis of the hips (stage II). My bone is dying. The fix for that is a double hip replacement. It’s possible I have it elsewhere because my bone pain isn’t only in my hips. I also have bone degeneration in L5-S1. I meet with an orthopedic surgeon in a few weeks (the same one doing Mom’s knee replacement tomorrow).

I’ve had a lot of breathing issues that have been getting worse and I haven’t had any asthma testing for 20 years so they wanted me to see a pulmonary specialist and get retested. Sadly they discovered that on top of severe asthma I also have stage III chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD). Just, ugh. My pulmonary doctor wants me to get bariatric surgery to help the COPD. I’m going to ask my doctor if they can fix the hiatal hernia at the same time.

My doctor said I will be the bionic woman after all this. I sure hope so because I’m in so much pain all day, every day, every minute, you get the picture. I also can’t slow down because I have my family who would completely fall apart if I didn’t handle everything. It’s been a very isolating time because the magnitude of my situation feels really overwhelming right now and I have no support here.

I’m hoping by the end of all this I’ll feel better than I’ve ever felt before. It’s the long painful road of getting there that worries me.

It’s amazing to me how fast kids can get sick and recover. Zahkya always gets whatever sickness the worst. She got a cold from Tristyn, got a fever with it, ended up having so much mucus drainage she was throwing up everywhere (including right in my face yesterday morning, yay Motherhood!). Today she’s not congested or anything, fever is gone and she’s acting as if nothing happened.

I met with my Gastroenterologist yesterday and they ordered up a bunch of tests and procedures. I’m scheduled for a colonoscopy, upper endoscopy, and “many many many biopsies”. A few weeks after that I go in for my pulmonary testing. The hospital did call me about my experience with the doctor with the bad bedside manner because I filled out a survey about the appointment. I was pretty surprised at that. In the meantime, I have to get a LOT of bloodwork done, sinus and chest X-rays, and an abdominal MRI. The hardest part about all this is finding babysitting since I can’t take the kids with me to any appointments due to the COVID-19 regulations. Also, I still have to drop off and pick up Tristyn from school so all this has to be done during school hours. I’m motivated and ready to feel better. I’ll do whatever it takes.

I can’t take Advil for the next 7 days. I’m not sure how I’m going to survive that. I slipped on the ice out on the deck yesterday and took a pretty nasty spill so I’m really sore and bruised today. I can’t take vitamins either for the next week so my energy is going to be non-existent. However, the show must go on and life doesn’t stop or slow down because Mommy is sick. That’s why I got to start feeling better, so I can do this life thing without pain.

Video game I really really want to play…Elden Ring. Whoa. It looks so amazing.

Mishaps with appointments

I’ve had pretty bad luck this week with doctor’s appointments. I waited a month to see my pulmonary doctor and when I showed up there was no one in the office. The lady sitting outside the office taking people’s temps suggested I walked over to the hospital and see if my appointment was there instead. After I walked through the entire hospital the pulmonary office was exactly on the opposite end of which I entered. When they tried to look me up they said my appointment was a month from that date and to come back in a month. See, I had to get babysitting for this appointment and that is not an easy task to do. I kindly showed them my appointment card which clearly stated the date and time and showed that I was indeed right. They had put it in wrong in the system. They had me see a temporary doctor for the time being who ordered a bunch of tests. His bedside manner was terrible. I’m glad I won’t be seeing him again. At least I hope.

Today I thought I had my appointment with the gastrologist, where I had to get babysitting since they don’t let you take your children to doctor’s appointments, and when I showed up for my appointment they told me my appointment wasn’t until tomorrow. I looked at my appointment card and this time they were right, I thought today was the 10th and it’s not. Heh.

I just can’t wait to start feeling better.